the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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