hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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