Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
