Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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