girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
