i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
