His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
