just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
