can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
