I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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