Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
