I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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