I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
barbara walters just said penis...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for