He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK