Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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