You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
