There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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