you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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