Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Randomize