we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i barfeds in our rink
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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