u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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