Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sarcasm needs its own font
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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