I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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