I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
