Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
