guess who came home with a hottie last night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick