My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.