so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
