So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
