yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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