woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
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I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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