Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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