i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
