i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
