So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
