this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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