I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
