I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
