Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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