i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
