Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
