my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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