You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
