I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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