So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
