I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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