Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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