My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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