don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
