Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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