So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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