Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
