No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
