dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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