nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
