So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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