I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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