i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
