nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
