Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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