im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
