all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
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He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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