Jerry, you need to find god
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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